[Salon] For a special relationship

[Chas Freeman <cwfresidence@gmail.com>]

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For a special relationship

censor the anti-Gallican.

Talleyrand May 2

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The lower house of the US congress has passed a bill equating ‘anti-Zionism’ with ‘anti-Semitism’ and making it an offence to show sympathy with either one.

Some members of this body who are close to the evangelical movement – which happens to be the State of Israel’s most stalwart supporter in the USA – actually voted against the bill because, according to them, its penalties would apply to anyone who shares a belief in the Gospel. What is the Biblical translation for ‘own goal’?

Talleyrand isn’t troubled much by evangelicals. But the item does suggest an overdue correction to the rife ill will, condescension, and sarcasm customarily directed at France. Legislators who are of French descent, as well as any fellow-travellers with generous Franco-American constituents, should with haste pass a companion ‘anti-’ bill that accomplishes the following:

• Makes it illegal to insult French culture, the French language, or the French people with such terms as ‘cheese-eating surrender monkeys’.

• Bans the removal or substitution of traditional French appellations (eg ‘liberty fries’ for ‘French fries’).

• Penalises the mispronunciations of French place names (eg ‘Chan-tillie’, ‘Cal-ass’, ‘Dee-troyt’, etc.).

• Requires language on all electronic and written communication originating from any North American territory that had once been a French colony to state that the writer occupies land that was once honourably held by France until it was dishonourably stolen or purchased for a pittance.

• Forbids the criticism of any past, present, or future action of the French Republic (and its predecessors) to its own people or to others on any continent or island.

• Bans from libraries, bookshops, and the internet the works of notorious Francophobes (eg Francis Parkman).

• Demands the unconditional and unlimited pecuniary support for the government of France if and when requested, for any reason.

• Equates a challenge to any of the above as a racial insult to the French nation, the French culture, the French people, and all Latin civilisation.

To other hyphenates who would complain that such a law, apart from being unconstitutional, singles out a particular ‘ethnic’ group for special treatment, please remind them that the French are a singular, special, exceptional people blessed by Providence; whose values, like yours, are universal; and to whose enlightened assistance you owe your own independence.  

Je vous en remercie.